Cycle of Abuse

Several years ago I volunteered at a domestic violence center and learned about the cycle of abuse. It involved the abuser repeatedly working to separate the victim from support systems (usu. family, friends), to control choices and behavior, to undermine the victim’s sense of autonomy and capability so that the victim becomes more dependent on the abuser.

I found this outline of the cycle of abuse on a domestic violence web site. It’s alarming how similar this looks to what happened at our last congregation. I’ve crossed out the elements that do not apply to the conflict with sr. pastor. As it happens, that’s every item that has to do with repentance.

Incident

Any type of abuse occurs (physical/sexual/emotional)

Tension Building

Abuser starts to get angry

Abuse may begin

There is a breakdown of communication

Victim feels the need to keep the abuser calm

Tension becomes too much

Victim feels like they are 'walking on egg shells'

Making-Up

Abuser may apologize for abuse

Abuser may promise it will never happen again

Abuser may blame the victim for causing the abuse

Abuser may deny abuse took place or say it was not as bad as the victim claims

Calm

Abuser acts like the abuse never happened

Physical abuse may not be taking place

Promises made during 'making-up' may be met

Victim may hope that the abuse is over

Abuser may give gifts to victim

The “incident” was always some episode of sr. pastor aggressively asserting control. He was surprisingly creative about doing it, but in every case his objective seemed to be to force compliance at any cost. He did crazy things and then refused to talk about them, manipulated every confrontation so that he did not accept responsibility. He was unpredictable and blamed (privately and publicly) Husband for anything that went wrong.

Other people on staff at the church have indicated that they are discouraged, unhappy, frustrated by our departure, but that they feel they cannot say anything.

Writing this is hard for me because I am furious that Husband - we - have been treated this way. It has caused immense pain to our family. It has sown doubt about things we ought never have to doubt. Everything about this is antithetical to my understanding of what pastors are called to do. I’ve been trying to write this for weeks, but thinking about it still makes me so sad and angry.

Now that we have left that church, I feel confident we will heal. I am thankful that God provided us with a way out. I continue to feel distressed, however, by the effect of this pattern of control on the church. It turns the congregation’s energy and identity toward a few particular rules of Christian living and away from God’s love and mercy and justice and a relationship with him in Christ. I cannot imagine why God allows this to continue.

Keys to the Kingdom

In the worship service this morning we prayed that God would work through pastors to fulfill their vocation so that "the joy of God's people would overflow." It struck me as a beautiful and, right now, sad image of the task God has given to pastors. Pastors seem to have tremendous influence to nurture or to destroy the faith that God gives.

The Ninny Report

This is so immature of me, but sr. pastor is still making me bananas and I need to whine about it. Today the staff was all together for devotions and sr. pastor gave a briefing about the candidates the call committee is considering to fill my husband's position.

And my husband was in the room.

And no one on the staff has said anything about his leaving, or we'll miss you, or we wish you well. Several public announcements about calling a new pastor, no public announcements about saying goodbye to THE ONE WHO IS STILL SERVING THEM!

He is such an idiot about dealing with people.

Divine Call Goes Both Ways

I’m a little fuzzy on the Lutheran Church’s doctrine of the Divine Call. It is, very roughly, that God uses congregations and individuals to call pastors to specific churches, but that He is the one doing the work and a pastor cannot be fired just because a church disagrees with him.

Having grown up in a church that did not define the pastoral office this way, and having been in two churches that don’t seem too attached to the concept, I have only a vague notion of it myself. But I resonate with the idea that God is in control, and we need to acknowledge that He sometimes works in ways we don’t prefer.

I expect our congregation to respect my husband as pastor, even the people who disagree with some of what he is doing. This is not a corporate position; he does not work at the whim of a manager or CEO.

It has sometimes troubled me that this seems to be a one-way expectation. We have very practical expectations of them to pay his salary, to support our family. How are we committed to them in return? They can expect my husband to fulfill his duties by God’s power and guidance, but that’s precisely what tends to be in conflict.

Then an opportunity arose to test our family’s “divine call” to this congregation. There is a project going on at our church that involves a major, special financial commitment. We have struggled with what our involvement should be in that. It is hard to feel excited about sacrificial giving to a congregation about which we feel so conflicted. As we talked about it, we realized that God has given our family to this church, to support it and fully participate in it as He enables us. I think the divine call entails a commitment on our part as much as it does on the part of the congregation.

So, we are supporting the special project. Honoring our commitment to the church reinforces my sometimes-wavering sense the I belong there. God is helping me to focus on the people in the congregation who appreciate me, and I believe He’ll give me the grace to skip or crawl through interactions with people about whom I feel deep anxiety. His grace is bigger than even this.