I’m trying to get a little distance, to take a bigger perspective on what’s going on here. I am confident that the people who have hurt us so much are well-intentioned. I believe they are trying to figure things out just as we are; doing their best to negotiate conflict in a way that will bring it to an end.
But there is no time for distance. Whenever I start to feel a little calm and try to rearrange my perspective to something less emotionally driven, we get kicked in the head again.
Today my husband met with the president of the congregation (PoC) to express his pain and frustration about the release of medical information without his knowledge. PoC was entirely unapologetic and without compassion. When my husband suggested that the council might benefit from a brief workshop on depression to help them understand him, PoC indicated that nobody really cares. As long as he can work full-time, they don’t care about anything else (we hear: they don’t care about my husband).
This attitude is consistent with what has been said time and again, indicating that my husband is a functionary. His perspective and his heart do not matter.
How does a church ever get to that position? A pastor is called to guide people in relationship with God, to bring his heart to work every day, and to show Godly compassion in the most challenging times of people’s lives. How would a church leadership group ever arrive at the position that he must simply follow instructions and they need not be concerned with his spiritual or emotional well-being?
I’m very angry. I have been very angry for a long time now. Wiser hearts than mine have encouraged me to give the anger to God, to cry out to Him in my pain. If I trusted them one penny less I would toss that aside as a stupid idea.
I complain to God. I beg Him to get us away from this place. I ask Him to give me compassion for these people and help me turn this anger into sadness for them and the situation we’re all in.
So far, I’m still pretty mad.