Today was a “normal” day: me alone with my three kids. I played with the kids. I hugged them. We tickled and laughed. We even left the house for a small adventure. We made it through the entire day without anyone melting down into tears. That’s something to celebrate.
My husband came home today with another tale of woe about church. I believe his introduction to the story was, “I don’t think things could get any weirder.” I think he’s said that several times in the last couple of months, and yet the weirdness persists. I listened with attention and empathy.
I’ve fulfilled my roles of mom and wife well today, and that makes me glad. But under all of that is a strong, steady current of sadness and fatigue. Nothing in particular is on my mind to make me feel this way. It’s just there. It’s as though there are two of me, one is heavy, bolted to the ground. The other is happy and in the moment with people I love.
The happy me is inextricably tied to the heavy me, and that makes everything effortful. I think this might be a symptom of depression, and someday I hope I will have recovered fully and will be capable of feeling carefree. Right now, it feels like I have changed completely. Sometimes I think this weight will be with me every hour of every day from now on.
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Thank you for the courage you've shown in posting what many of us PW's think, experience, etc., but are too afraid to open up about. Though it was never your intention, you've been an inspiration to many already. God is and will continue to use your cross-bearing to help others, as much as it hurts to have to go through it. He IS with you, and He's the closest to you during these difficult times when you least realize it! If Christians (Pastors included) could work on serving God without letting their egos get in the way, the church would truly be a force to be reckoned with. Unfortunately, sin being what is it and Satan being behind it, the suffering continues. My prayers are with you, dear sister in Christ.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. Your encouragement means a lot to me.
ReplyDeleteYou describe a situation that I frequently saw growing up in a parsonage. My dad is now a retired LCMS pastor and although my parents didn't discuss things in front of us when we were kids as I grew up, it was harder to hide. Even up to his retirement, Mom and Dad both would share with me some of the challenges they were facing in the positions as Pastor and Mrs. They both battled depression for many years and I believe it was a big part of my dad's decision to retire as soon as he could. He is turning 65 next month, but has been retired for 3 years already. I often wished as I got older and could see what my parents were going through that there was some kind of support group for them. I know they were not alone and neither are you.
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