Bitter Root

A lot of things are going well. I think I said that in my last post. It’s true. I’m going to a new church where I am able to worship without layers of anger, I’m making some plans for the near future, and I’ve been trying to focus my attention on stretching out good days.

But I also had a counseling appointment this week. It took me a solid 24 hours to come down after that. It was a very agitating conversation and I left feeling like every nerve in my body was standing at full attention.

Being away from church has made a huge dent in my day-to-day anxiety level, but the intense negative feelings I have about what’s happened there did not evaporate. I bumped into a church member earlier this week and had a short conversation with him. He kindly expressed his sadness at our departure and offered to help if we need anything in the months ahead. It seemed like a perfectly appropriate and reasonable conversation but I was catapulted into deep distress, sadness, a steady mental rehearsal of every painful episode.

Therapist drew a comparison with post-traumatic stress disorder to help me understand what was going on. It sounds like a primary way of dealing with this is to talk about it. Ugh. I hate talking about it. I hate thinking about it. I hate being angry. Even writing this is making me feel agitated again.

“I will not let this bitter root grow in me • I will not let you leave that legacy • But it gets so hard when pain is all I see” (from the song “Tornado,” Sara Groves)