Monday, June 6, 2011


Hi again! I stopped writing for a few months because I didn't feel compelled. This is mostly a diary for me and you get to read along. I need my diary again today.

Dear diary,

Today -- and for the last few weeks -- I've been having flashbacks of the two miserable years we spent at our last church. I've had weird little run-ins with people I associate with that time and seeing them brings back vivid episodes of dysfunction.

This morning my husband mentioned talking to some people from that church and I almost immediately became morose. By the time he'd left for work and my oldest was on the school bus, I could feel the dark mood closing in. I felt an intense urge to eat, cry, or go to bed and sleep all day.

Thank God for the mental wellness to see that and to find an alternative. I called a friend and asked to spend the morning at her house. My two younger kids and I went there and by lunchtime I was good as new. The mood had passed. The rest of the day was balanced and pleasant.

What a distressing bout of crankpot-ism. We've been gone nearly a year and I hardly think of that place or those people anymore. The shape of my life has much to do with what happened there and I've (mostly) accepted that. I have not accepted the emotional intensity those memories still hold.



  1. I was just thinking about you wondering how you were doing as I ponder my own issues in being the wife of a pastor. I'm sad to hear that those memories came back....but so glad you had a way to cope.

  2. Wouldn't it be wonderful if the pain of the past would just stay forever out of our minds?! Still, when faced with those painful memories, your response was a model of wellness. Yay for you, Jane!

  3. As I struggle with my own depression I am glad to hear how you handled this trying time. It reinforces for me that the tools we learn through therapy and the friends we've been given by God can work wonders! I have a place in my home I retreat to quite a bit when I'm feeling low. My friend said I should put up a note in that room to call her because I rarely think of self-help when I'm down far enough. Good idea, huh?

    I'm sorry to hear about the flashbacks. I understand it's not uncommon. Kind of like PTSD. I thank God that you were able to pull out of it.

  4. We've almost been gone from our old church as long as we were there. It's quite surreal. My husband had to return to that town a few weeks ago because one of the people who had been one of our huge supporters died and my husband felt very much like he needed to go to the funeral. I wasn't able to go due to being on partial bed rest but I was a nervous wreck the whole time he was gone. I think that as time goes by it'll get easier and easier, but there is always going to be pain associated with that town and state. I hope that as time passes for you the memories and pain becomes less and less. I DO understand though!!!

  5. Jenny - Sounds like you've got a great friend there. I hope you're taking her up on the offer! When I saw a therapist we had many conversations about how to get outside myself when the world was closing in. Leaving the house for face-to-face time with a friend is usually what a I need.

    Jeni - Ugh. Bed rest. God bless you. Your husband sounds much like mine - willing to suffer for the sake of people whom he loves. It's why I love him and sometimes it makes me crazy.


  6. Jeni- so nice to see you here :)

    Mrs. Pastor- I am very impressed with your coping mechanisms. I am working on this- noticing the signs before I am all the way in the pit, and seeking the outside help I need early! (pray for me! talk to me! give me a break dear husband! just let me take a shower in PEACE please!)

    I even have a note written to my depressed self from my normal self. Yep, that sounds pretty weird, but I am pretty sure your readers will understand.

    Also, your blog inspired me to be more direct in my own blog about depression.

    I am pretty shocked at the response... is there anyone I know that does NOT struggle with this? why do we never talk about it then?

    Of course, it may be that my writing just appeals to readers with similar problems :)

    Sorry about the flashbacks, but so glad to hear you were helped through it :)

  7. Praise God, Emily! I'm so glad you've decided to write openly on your blog. We do need to talk about it. I also write a blog that is not anonymous and have debated whether I want to talk about my depression there. I haven't because it makes me tired to think of all the people who might want to talk about it. I suppose one of these days that will seem like a good idea and I'll save it for that time.



Thanks for using this space to share your encouraging words.