Friday, July 10, 2009

Alone Time

My three children are gone this week, and I have lots of time to myself. It is a welcome relief. Depression has made caring for them every day feel like an overwhelming task. I used to feel proud of how I parent -- I am generally resourceful and energetic as a mom. But in the last months, it is an accomplishment if I can stay off the couch and play with them. I've had a lot of days when I hope, hope, HOPE they will just play on their own and leave me alone.

But when I'm alone, I'm sad. I mull over the state of our lives, the situation at our church, my loneliness. I have found it very difficult to make friends here, in large part because I do not feel safe at our church.

I realize that caring for my children is a buffer against all this weighty thoughtfulness, and I know it will be good when they come home and I am busy again. But I also (argh! so shameful!) do not miss them. I love them. I think of them. I am glad they are enjoying a visit with their grandparents. And I would not mind if they were invited to stay another week.

I never imagined I would be like this.

1 comment:

  1. There is nothing wrong with you and your feelings. It is perfectly normal to need a vacation from your job. EVERYONE who works full time gets vacation time.... stay at home moms do not. Even moms who work full time get vacations from their jobs yet still have the full time mom job with no vacation. The break does your children good, it does good for you and your DH and most importantly it does good for you.
    Don't beat yourself up over it. please!


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