Less Than a Day

I love to plan. I don’t plan detailed schedules for every day, or even follow through on a lot of my plans. But I like to make them. When Husband and I are on car trips, I can spend a lot of time imagining things I’d like to do next week, next year, or “someday.”

Depression seriously inhibits planning capacity. After the kids go to bed at night, I try to think about the upcoming day. I am completely overwhelmed if I try to imagine the entire 24 hours ahead. I can’t even work out the morning on my own. Husband has to sit with me and talk me through a plan for the morning and assure me it will work.

In the morning, I often feel fine for a couple of hours and then things start to wander. This is where the plan kicks in – without it, I would be paralyzed with indecision and lack of motivation.

As far as I can tell, this is related to the short-circuiting in my brain. I am not able to anticipate anything being pleasurable. There are plenty of things that feel vaguely pleasant once I am doing them (going for a walk, for example), but I don’t feel any confidence or pleasurable anticipation. It’s a weird, gray way to live.