Christmas morning was weepy for me. The kids were excited and happy and I realized that I did not feel any of the particular excitement or pleasure I associate with the holiday. Being sad when I specifically expect to be happy is more miserable than the everyday sadness to which I've become accustomed.
I also didn't make it to church on Christmas Eve or Day. I had expected to, but in each case it just seemed too overwhelming to rally the kids and deal with the hubbub of a holiday worship service. Do other clergy families feel that way? I find Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter the most difficult times to go to church. It seems like everyone else is there en route to some sort of family event, while my husband is working and I am alone in the pew with three kids. I don't generally resent that this is my life, but I feel out of place at church on those days.
I just started reading your blog a few days ago...I a Lutheran wife of a pastor as well. We have four kids that are now mostly grown...but I lived through what you are speaking of...and yes, it is hard. The pastor's family usually goes to more than one service, as well, and with little ones it is very difficult, exhausting. We do not travel to relative's homes, either...but sometimes they come to us and that works our nicely, especially when they stay in a nearby hotel, that gives us some down time. It is good that you realize what you can and cannot do at this time. You're in my prayers and I thank you for your honest posts regarding depression and being the wife of a pastor.
ReplyDeleteYes, Yes, Yes....That's exactly how I feel/felt at church on the holidays!
ReplyDeleteGood to hear from both of you. Thanks.
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