Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Christmas Vacation

I'm out of town this week visiting with family for several days. My husband stayed home for work. I'm glad to be here and we're having a good time. It feels strange, though, like I'm disconnected from my self. Traveling with the kids is an ambitious project, and I become hyper-vigilant. The excitement of being with relatives, sleeping in a different place, setting aside our everyday routine is wildly fun until.... until it isn't.

I think all parents of young children know what I mean. Everybody is delightful and happy and giggly and cooperative until you blink your eyes and they are screaming and exhausted and completely illogical.

I am on alert, staying above a veneer of calm capability. I suspect that when the week is over I will be exhausted from the effort of this, but I cannot find a way to avoid it.

On occasion, I am reminded of the sadness that lies beneath. The other day someone asked me about my husband's work, and I described very generally how difficult things are for us. The conversation was less than ten minutes long, but I felt agitated after. Later, when I couldn't find the hat one of the kids needed, I was so distressed that I wanted to go to my room and cry.

Episodes like that make me feel crazy. I know they happen because I am trying to control things that are beyond me and am ignoring the emotional limitations of depression. I might need to a control-freak support group.

1 comment:

  1. Control freak support group! Yes! I need to find that group too. I understand every word of what you describe here. You describe the whole thing quite well......


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