Baffled

Depression has turned the part of my brain that houses self-worth into mashed potatoes. I don’t recall ever having a profound problem sustaining a sense of personal value. Periodic anxieties and doubts, yes; generally overcome with logic and affirmation. Now I have whole days and weeks when I cannot come up with a clear sense of why anyone cares that I am here.

I can talk myself through this. My kids need me. My husband loves me and depends on me in many good and meaningful ways. I have friends who care for me. One friend of many years has spent 4 days in her car during the last year just to come see me when I have been at the bottom of the well. God keeps showing up when I’m about to completely lose it.

That list is an intellectual exercise that would usually light up my internal sense of value. These days the wiring is loose, and my You-Matter Lightbulb doesn’t always turn on.

I’m not clear on when the brain-mushiness will subside. It also screws with my decision-making ability. If I’m trying to decide about something and don’t trust myself, I replay something Therapist suggested, or something a friend said, and then try to weigh that against what I see. It’s weird to rely so heavily on that.

I have a dear friend who says that when she prays for me she says, “Ok, God, game on! Whatcha got? I know You’re going to do something exciting with them.” It’s really nice that she tells me this. I feel such an overwhelming sense of dread and uncertainty, and her confidence and enthusiasm about God’s work in us is a hopeful little platform for me to stand on.